In my head

I wrote this a while back from a very dark place and going through a somewhat rough day today, I stumbled on it and it brought me light.

I still have days like this and you may relate too but I hope this brings you some light too... 🙏🏾💋

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I'm tired

I just want to throw in the towel

Everyday I wake up with my demons staring me in the face

They laugh and sneer and taunt me

And I can't shut them up

So I surround myself with distractions

Anything that will drown them out

Most days there aren't any distractions

Most days I'm forced to endure the torture

Alone in my room I cry and scream and punch my wall

But that just tickles them even more

"Just end it", they whisper

"You're not worth anyone's time

Those high standards you set for yourself will never be met"

I plug my ears with my headphones and play my music to ear deafening volumes

The music...

It is soothing

It calms me

I close my eyes

I get lost in it

I don't hear them again

I heave a sigh of relief

I start to enjoy it

I smile but deep down I know this is just another distraction

They'll be back soon

As soon as I open my eyes

Staring me square in my mind's face

And the torture will continue

I'm so tired

Tired of the cycle

Tired of the bottled up pain

Tired of pretending to be fine

Tired of trying to fit into life's routine

Tired of trying to find inner peace

Tired of screaming out for help to all the deaf ears around me

Every once in a while though someone looks my way

My every being jumps in excitement

Maybe help is finally on the way

Maybe I finally don't have to go through all of this alone

Maybe someone will think she's worth fighting for

Maybe they won't cower at the sight of the fortress she's built around herself for preservation

Maybe they would at least shout out for her to let down her hair so they climb in

But most times they just look on pitifully and walk away

Then the voices start again

"Didn't we tell you?

You are not worth anyone's time

You need to lower those ridiculous standards and settle for whatever paltry crumbs life will throw at you

Or better yet,

Just end it!"

I gather what little strength I have in me and yell back at them:

"I don't need anyone!

This is my battle

I will slay my own demons

I won't give up on me yet

I'm weak and tired

But by God I won't give up on me yet!"

"Suit yourself", they retort

"We'll be right here waiting for you

We'd like to see you try!"

I look down at my emaciated frame

I'm surrounded by... salt

The pools of dried up tears left these hard granules as a souvenir

This is all I have

I haul the biggest one I can find at them

They look back at me thoroughly amused

"That's the spirit", they taunt bursting into laughter

I sink down in my cold bed, defeated.

I really am just so tired

What if I die here alone?

Would anyone even notice?

Everyone has their own demons

Everyone has their own problems

Who is going to care about mine?

Maybe I should just give up

Maybe then this daily torture would finally end

Their voices are now ringing loudly in my ears:

Just give up!

Just Give Up!!

JUST GIVE UP!!!

J U S T  F R E A K I N G  G I V E  U P!!!!

My pool of tears starts to fill up again

I've long given up trying to hold them back

Sigh... Those words

"Give up"

It's all I hear these days

Amidst the screaming in my ears,

Questions flood my brain:

What does giving up even mean?

Suicide?

Loose morals?

Sinking deeper into depression?

Drugs?

Alcohol?

I will myself to dispel the thoughts

Let's just take it a day at a time

Then a still small voice whispers in my ear

Light soft and feathery but it instantly drowns out all the taunts and shouts:

"Joy, once upon a time you didn't even have these walls

You were hit from every possible angle

Drained out completely of life

Slowly taking in your last breath

Praying for death as you watched your life slipping

You settled for less and lost you

Nothing but the ghost of a zombie

It took only God to find the strength to get up and build

But somehow you did it

It got better and you're still here

Right now it's still very hard

Every second

Every minute

Every day... you hurt

But you're still here

And it will get better

Don't ever forget that

That's all that matters:

YOU'RE STILL HERE... SO DON'T GIVE UP!